Vignette - Suanne

If you haven't already, you should read the intro first. This colour indicates the text is directly excerpted from my journal.

I talked a bit about my grad dance in the previous episode; where the grad weekend left off in that episode was bowling. From there we (most of the graduating class and their dates) went to the Peel Pub, then to see the sunrise from Mount Royal, then to the Baie D’urfe curling club for a brunch, then back home to clean up a bit, then in two buses we went to one of our classmate’s farm. Quite a bit happened throughout that time that I went into depth in my journal, but this episode is about Suanne who I first saw, asleep by the fire Saturday night, and then awake at breakfast the next morning (June 10, 1990).

About breakfast that morning; for others I suspect it was just nice that the parents of this classmate cooked breakfast for all of us, for me it was an amazing fantastic experience:

...the parents of the house announced that breakfast would soon be served. So I went to get mine, and behind me was Roseanne, she asked me, where shall we sit for breakfast, I said that I didn’t know, so she said how about the living room, and I said I guess, and she said come into the living room and eat with me. She really wanted the company I think. [I put a comment here that her date apparently hadn’t been paying attention to her].

Others joined us and as we finished eating we just stayed in the living room, talking.
When the morning meal was over, we all sat in the living room and talked. This was my favourite part of the whole weekend, I think, because I really felt like I was accepted. I would speak, and people would listen. There was Roseanne on my left, and Anile on my right, and I would hold conversations with both at the same time. Suanne was just sitting across from me, and whenever I said something funny she laughed, along with all of the other people that were there.

Reading this now, it seems very much out of character that I could behave in this outgoing way. I attribute it, perhaps, to not having slept at all the previous night. I recognized how special this time was for me and that it was drawing to a close. I spoke to Mikle about this at the time, and he said I should do a follow up, that is call Suanne or Anile or Roseanne. But I am always scared of using the telephone.

The summer of 1990 passed and I didn’t see her. Through the school year of 1990-1991 I didn’t see her. I suppose it was because she was completing her last year of high school while I was in my first year of CEGEP.

On July 5, a group of us went to the Jazz Festival, and my classmate/friend Aaron had called Suanne to let us know we’d be there. The last time I had seen Suanne was at my graduation, at Rich’s farm. Back then I had found her quite appealing, and now, more than a year since then, nothing has changed.

Part of the group left, leaving only Aaron, Bryan, Seyil, Suanne and I. We went to see a midnight showing of Terminator, and then walked to have Bryan catch the 371 to get home; it was to come soon, so Seyil, Aaron and he ran ahead and I walked with Suanne. While we were walking, I asked her how she would get home, she said the 368 goes near her house, and I said the 354 would take me part way home, and she offered to have me crash at her house. That thought evoked in me two different responses, one of joy [..] and one of uncomfortableness [...]

I wrote how great it would be that I could spend more time with her, and how awkward it could also have been listing out my own insecurities. In any case, the three ahead ended up missing the 371 bus, so the five of us were reunited. We kept Bryan company until the next 371, we all took it to his car, he drove Suanne home, Aaron and I to Seyil’s (where Aaron and I slept that night) and then he went home.

On Saturday, the 27th of July, 1991 I hosted another Island Party, something I had done a few times in the past. With my own canoe and a borrowed one or two others, a group of us would canoe over to an uninhabited island and camp there overnight. The first arrivals showed up around noon, we brought most of our stuff over, Suanne was only able to get out to the western tip of the island by 17h30, so I went to pick her up. She and I and another went swimming soon after; and while we were out swimming, more people arrived. By 21h30 those new arrivals wanted to go swimming and I went with them. We swam about, having fun, and Later on Seyil and Bryan, who had gone on a canoe ride to play with us, stopped and let me climb aboard, because I was getting tired of swimming and wanted to get back to Suanne.

And then this is what I wrote:

I don’t know if what I feel for her is what is commonly called a crush on her, but I do think of her very often, for she is pretty, intelligent, witty, funny and friendly. I feel more and more that I am not worthy of such a person, but who's to say whether I am or not if I don’t even try?

As a group we hung around the fire a while longer, telling stories, singing songs. This was a nice time, but Suanne was visibly tired because she had just arrived from P.E.I. late Friday night, and so was wanting to get into the tent.

Eventually we all slept, swam a bit the next morning, packed everything up, our numbers dwindled, and we went to Bryan’s house, Seyil, Aaron, Suanne and I. Then we all went to Seyil’s house. We watched a few videos and during one of them ...Suanne called a guy named Dave B. This really put my spirits down. If she felt that she should call him while she was there, she must be thinking about him. This means that any efforts I make in trying to form some sort of relationship with her may be stopped abruptly by her own desire to reach someone else. I try not to think about her call to Dave B, but it always hangs on the end of my brain, like the last leaf on a tree in the fall which will just not come down.

Four of us (not Aaron) met to see ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ in the theatre a couple of days later, that same night she met with Dave B to see a Shakespeare in the park; Bryan, Seyil and I left, not interested.

On Friday, Aug 2, 1991, Bryan was leaving for New York, Aaron to Toronto and Seyil to Connecticut, leaving only Suanne and I of our group of five at home.

Perhaps I will call her and ask if she would like to do something this weekend. I really do want to see her again but I don’t know what to do, I mean, to ask her to a movie, to a walk in the park, to a canoe ride at my house, to what? Perhaps I will call and she will have something. I guess the only way to find out would be to call.
So courageously I did end up calling her, and the next few days I got to spend quite a lot of time with her. On Friday, we spoke on the phone for 80 minutes, on Saturday, 100 minutes. We made plans to see a movie on Tuesday, we went to a 16h30 showing, went out to eat, wandered the city, I had my car so we drove back to her house arriving probably around midnight, and we stayed talking on her front step until I left to go home at 3h.

Recommend listening to this song before continuing


I wrote this about this long day with her:
Throughout the whole time we were speaking that evening and night, I never heard her imply, or blatantantly state, anything that might emit some sort of attraction to me. Perhaps I was expecting too much, or perhaps I missed something, but I shan’t give up hope, not after she didn’t say ‘go home’.

A few days later I wrote ‘...I awoke and decided I had to see Suanne sometime early that week’

And so I did, spent more time with her, and eventually came to this: I am feeling more and more out of my depth as we proceed in these discussions, of things seemingly immaterial in nature. And because of this, I fear she may get bored of me.

I wanted to have more meaningful deeper conversations with her but had no idea even how to begin. Later that week, we take a bus from her house to wherever we were going and I finally figured a way to move up a level, but I failed to follow through. I formulated this question to her, “Are there things you are afraid of?, What?” and she said the dark, among other things, and then she said, “you?”

I couldn’t answer her, but I wrote down my answer when I wrote about this later:

I am afraid of your world, of all the people you know, I am afraid that my state of emotionlessness is irreversible, I am afraid that I, to you, am just another friend, and nothing more, and that that will stay as it is for a long time[...]

I met with her on September 1st, we met at L-G, took the metro to Peel and walked up the mountain. I still wasn’t able to open up to her.

I saw her a few more times that fall and over the Christmas holidays, we went, with a group, to see The Nutcracker. It was during this time that I started to see Joanne, subject of a subsequent episode. It seemed that almost any time I would see Suanne she had someone (a guy) with her.

Bryan held a New Year’s Eve party to welcome in 1992 and Suanne was going to take the bus there; when I found out about this I called their house to say I would come to pick her up instead. Aaron and I went together in my car, she thanked me on the way, and I told her that I would do anything for her, and she said ‘I know’.

I didn’t really react to this response in my journal, but rereading it now makes it somewhat evident that she knew how I felt about her. In the moment, at the time, I didn’t really make anything of it.

Near the end of January, 1992, Aaron organized a movie trip to see ‘Naked Lunch’, Suanne among others was there. I was really happy to see Suanne again. Really Happy. How happy? Well I guess I can say that every time I am with her, I forget how lonely I really am, I forget how it is that I think sometimes that I and other people just don’t really fit together like pieces in a puzzle always do. She makes me feel good, and yet, to me she seems untouchable. So bright and warm, so cheery and intelligent and touching, next to me I wither away.

Monday, May 11, 1992, (four months later) she calls me; I was really happy to hear her voice again. We spoke for somewhere near ninety minutes.

We talked about the school year that was just ending, summer plans, teachers we had, and this is what I wrote after:
In any case, her phone call reminded me that I do, indeed, keep this journal, and that it is for her that I do this. (What?) I’ve tried to understand why I keep this Journal for some time. The main reason is that I don’t really have anyone to talk personally with, and so if I can write some of it down, some of the need to talk would be released.

The weekend of May 16th, Montreal’s 350th birthday party was beginning, so a group of us got together, including Suanne and her boyfriend Jim. I saw Suanne one more time, June 7th, and then we went canoeing and swimming in the next day or two.

My last entry is dated June 14, 1992, so it is possible I saw her one or two more times that summer.

With Suanne I had an ease of phone conversation that I did not have with anyone else in these episodes, and hardly with anyone else. In retrospect, this ease of being with her (both on the phone and in person) was probably what drew me to her the most. I do not think mobile technology would likely have made a difference as I was already spending a fair amount of time with Suanne, both in our friend group, and just the two of us, and if I wasn’t going to tell her face to face or on the phone how I felt, I probably wouldn’t have done it through text either. Though, it is possible I’d have done better at staying in touch with her once I started University, if only to check in periodically with how she was doing.

After writing all of this episode I was/am tempted to look her up and see how she is doing. I haven’t yet, and I may not ever, or I will, I don’t know.



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