Vignette - Joanne

If you haven't already, you should read the intro first. This colour indicates the text is directly excerpted from my journal.

In September of my second year (1991) of CEGEP, Thursday the 19th, I had plans to go to Moe’s with the friends from Suanne’s episode, but before that I went to the library to do some of my Chemistry assignment. In the library, I saw working on their assignment two girls also in my class, Sylviane and Joanne. So I sat down and did the assignment with them. [...] Sylviane left first, and so I walked with Joanne to Penfield, where her car was parked. She lives in Montreal West, on Westminster, she went to Royal West, graduated in ‘89, changed program from social to health after first semester. I hope to get to know her a little bit more, and am thinking of inviting her to see Akira [...] Hopefully she will come.

At my next Chemistry class, I noted in my journal, that Joanne moved from wherever she had previously been sitting in the class to sit next to me.

Friday Oct 4, she agreed to come to see Akira with me; When I awoke Friday morning, I was a little bit nervous already thinking of this ‘date’.

She was working until 20h, so we set a time for us to meet. I drove to her house and we took the bus into the city, ate at a resto and then went to the midnight showing.

We spoke a lot, although she told me more about her than I told her about me. The reason for this, I imagine, was that she seemed to really need to talk, and I asked her questions, and I kept her going. Every once in a while I would tell her some of the things of my past.

When we got to the movie, a large group of my friends were already there, mostly people from the Suanne episode.

As I had by this time already started working at UPS, I had awoken at 3h30 that morning, so during the movie (which I had seen a few times before) I had nodded off; and it turns out, so had she.

After the movie, Suanne and Joanne spoke quite a bit; they had both gone to RWA. But then Joanne and I took a taxi ride back to her place and I drove home.

On a final note, where we said our goodbyes at my car, she looked expectant of something, what crossed my mind was a hug, or kiss, but I couldn’t bring myself to do either. She said to me at this point that she had had a nice time and thanked me for it. The words sounded sincere. [...] One thing I do know, after this night, is that I could call her again, or that we could meet after school; that I could be with Joanne in a context not associated with school.

There was one other thing I noted about this night. We did manage to have a really nice conversation on the way to the movie and at the restaurant. However, when people are trying to tell me things, which they can’t verbalize very well, I try to repeat what they are explaining to me in my own words, and usually I get it right, in fact almost always, except with Joanne. Everytime she would say something that was not quite clear, I would say something to tell her I understood, but I didn’t.

I went on to write, though, that I had also had such a nice time overall, that I would spend more time with her to know her better to become more successful at this.

In mid-October, we had lunch together, and we spoke for a long time, and during the conversation she asked if I skied, and I said yes but not very well, and then she said that I should come to her cottage during the winter that we could ski some. I immediately reacted positively, already thinking of some of the possibilities which could result from this. It seems to me that a relationship between her and I does seem likely, if I keep pecking away at it, for she does seem interested, especially if she asked that I go with her to her Cottage.

That term we (a few friends I knew, Joanne and I) formed a group that sat at the back of our Chemistry class. We would spend time together commiserating, on Fri Oct 25, we all had lunch together and Joanne and I made plans to meet at Concordia’s Vanier library on Saturday to work on our Chemistry homework together.

So on that Saturday afternoon, in the library, we went upstairs, and did some chemistry, not really worth going into town for, the amount of chemistry we did, but I would have gone in just to see her. During our whole afternoon we spoke a lot, she saying more things than I, I listening attentively. I would have liked to speak my thoughts that day but the idea of that uncomforts me. [..] Hopefully the next time we meet, I will open up a little.

After that we went to a park and swung on a swing set, played a little, then I walked her home and caught the train home.

I think our relationship is progressing smoothly, but I am not sure, hopefully our next encounter, I will be brave enough to find out.

Abbott was putting on a drama production of The Pink Panther, I asked her if she would like to go, she was open to it; turns out the event was sold out when I went to get tickets, so we made plans to go and see a movie instead. This worked out better for her anyway, as Panther was Friday night, Saturday morning she was writing SAT, and we went to see the movie Saturday late afternoon, after her SAT.

We saw ‘The Fisher King’, and after the movie at supper I managed to share more about me; told her how little experience I had with girls, how I felt socially awkward a lot of the time and more. Overall, the night seemed to have gone really well, and hopefully, in time, such nights will be more personal. In any case, I will not hesitate to move forward in this relationship, however unlikely it seems that such a relationship could be long lasting (she lives in Boston!)

With Jennie and Suanne I could never really get out what I wanted to say, what I was feeling, so finally circumstances were aligned just right that I could share my inner thoughts with Joanne.
Friday, Nov 21, 1991
I finally did it. I spilled my soul to Joanne last night, and it felt good. I also touched her, a lot. Not in any really explicitly sexual way, but we held hands, held each other. It felt nice. I don’t think this is going to end, like so many other false beginnings I’ve had, and I’m really happy. [...] I really told her a lot of things, and she kept pressing for more. This scenario is what I’ve really wanted, really needed for a long time, and I really appreciated it. I told her so.

Recommend listening to this song before continuing


It all started innocently enough last night, I call her, she says nothing doing tonight, me either, rent some movies, go to her house, watch them close together. When it’s over, all the lights are off and we sit on her couch, talking, touching…

On Fri Dec 6, we went Christmas shopping together in the city, I had a long list as working at UPS and still living at home meant I could get gifts for a bunch of my friends as well as my family. After shopping we putzed around the city a bit then headed to her home where we sat on that same couch and chatted some more. I wrote in detail the things we talked about but I won’t share it here. It was another close and personal conversation.

Wed, Dec 18,
A group of us went to Moe’s, Joanne and I sat together, talking with the group some of the time and with each other otherwise. After we ate, we walked around a bit, talked some more, and when it was time to go, we kissed; she initiated. I was surprised, then we hugged. It all happened so quickly, this is what I wrote: It was a short kiss, so short that I am no longer sure if it actually happened, but I remind myself that I hugged her afterwards, and I do remember that.

I did not make a note of this in my journal, but re-reading it now and looking at the dates - she left for Boston the very next day. The next time I would see her would be at her cottage, I did end up going; Fri Dec 27, leaving around noon, to Owl’s Head.

That Friday evening I met her family, her sister and parents, we had supper together, and then Joanne and I, with me driving, went to pick up a friend and head to a pub in Knowlton where we hooked up with two other of her friends. Between the three of them, Joanne, Frank and Steve, they had four pictures of beer. Johanne was quite happy after having her second glass. I didn’t mind, because when she was like this, it seemed there was less I could say that would go wrong.

The next day we skied together and at night, her dad took all of us (her mom, sister, Joanne and I) and met up with another family in a fancy restaurant just over the US border.

After we got back from the restaurant, Joanne and I had her cottage to ourselves as her parents were driving her sister to her boarding school. I wrote in my journal a bunch of stuff I wanted to say to her, but couldn’t bring myself to.

We decided together that I would leave the next morning as she had a bunch of essays to write in application towards a dozen or so American universities to which she is applying. She also mentioned that in the weeks following New Year’s, she’d be traveling to a number of these universities.

Leaving for me was a sad thing, but I tried not to let that show because she really did have to do these things, and my presence would surely have prevented them all from being done. So I left with a hug, and finding my way home was easy enough.

Once school started up again near the end of January (1992), Joanne and I no longer shared a class. One day in early February I met her outside of her class as it was ending, and we went to my house, watched a movie.

And that is more or less how it ends; there is no other mention of Joanne. What I should have done: call her more often, talk to her more openly, see her more often; part of why I didn't - she was going to go to the US to study so I didn’t see a future. I should have ignored this ‘no future’ and just lived in the moment. Mobile technology might have made a difference here if I could have texted her more often to stay connected and show interest, and even keep in touch long distance once she was away.

Rereading this from my diary and putting it together, it has such an unsatisfactory ending it has upset me quite a lot to write it.



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