Vignette - Jennie

If you haven't already, you should read the intro first. This colour indicates the text is directly excerpted from my journal.

Jennie somehow became a friend of one of my classmates, Patrick, before I met her. On May 12, 1990, it was the school’s annual Walk-a-thon; we were to follow a 30 km route that started at Loyola and went over the mountain, through the downtown core and then back to Loyola.

We were a large group of friends walking together (I have everyone’s name down in my journal) and in the morning half of the walk I was with three people; then in the afternoon, I was with three different people, one of whom was Jennie. We ended up talking quite a lot during the latter part of that walk, and this is where, though I hadn’t formalized the term, I found a very strong compatibility matrix between us.

Today (May 17) Mikle spoke with me concerning her and the graduation ball. He had thought, that I might have asked her to the grad dance, [...] He brought this up with me at lunch today, because I had spent the whole of walk-a-thon afternoon walking and talking with her. I had thought about the possibility, but, true to my nature, I did not act.

With my inability to act, there was some movement about, that sort of solved this problem for me. One of my classmates already had a date and she would set me up with a girl named Angela, to whom I did a supremely great disservice of which even to this day I am ashamed that I practically ignored her through most of the grad dance evening. Anyhow, this episode is not about Angela.

Prior to the grad dance we, the graduating class and our dates, were invited to another classmate’s house for ‘cocktails’ and snacks. To give you an idea of how I was feeling, here is what I wrote when I first saw Jennie at this shindig:
Dean’s date was Jennie. She and I had an interesting conversation while Angela was going off somewhere.

After the grad dance a group of us went bowling, and I wrote this:
The most relevant thing that happened at the alley, was twofold. First of all, I met Jennie and Christina there again, and we had a little talk. I think Jennie really enjoys my company, but assumptions like that are often difficult to be sure of.

That summer I encountered Jennie a handful of times at different social events when a group of us would get together. Being part of a group then, no different from now, really, I would mostly let the full-on extroverts take hold of the conversation, so there really wasn’t any development otherwise.

I started CEGEP that fall, at John Abbott College (known as Abbott going forwards). In October I managed to finagle an invitation to a Loyola classmate of mine’s birthday party. He was happy to have me and that I could help by driving a few other invitees to his house; this included Jennie. During that party Jennie and I spent two hours with each other, having fun, mocking others, having good conversation.

And this is what I wrote after the event: Anyway, I am really anxious about the next time we can meet in similar settings, but I fear that it will not be soon, thus causing a cool spell to settle over the springshine of temporariness of Indian Summer.

If I hadn’t been so dumb at this time, I would have called her, at the very least, to see if I could see her again. It seems I could write all about this at that time, but then not have a clear idea at all about appropriate steps to be taken.

Rereading the journal now; it occurs to me that I did write a letter to Jennie. Reading that letter now (I kept a copy for myself) I realize how ridiculous it probably seemed. I never got a reply.

Around mid March, 1991, I (then as now, going to movies alone) got on the train to go into the city to see the movie ‘Pump up the Volume’ and by total unexpected surprise, on the train I bump into Jennie and Christina, who are also going into the city to watch the exact same movie.

At the theatre we hooked up with two other school friends of Christina’s; there isn’t much else to be said about this.

That summer of 1991 I did not really see Jennie at all, that summer was spent disproportionately with four others that will come up in a different episode.

In September Marionapolis (a different CEGEP) organized a boat dance party and I somehow managed to get invited. For the most part, up until about 1AM, I was sitting there on the aft deck, speaking with many people, and for a good hour of that time Jennie was on my lap, because there were no other seats free, and we spoke. She was depressed because her boyfriend, Derek, was supposed to be there but she heard from someone that he was at Annie’s [a bar in Ste-Anne-de-Bellevue, some 60km from where we were] that night, and so she was telling me her woes. I knew that I was being used as a hypothetical kleenex, but I didn’t mind. [...] once in a while she would lean back, in my arms, her head on my shoulder, and I felt very much like, well, like someone that she could depend on.

Derek showed up (how exactly he could have showed up on a boat likely meant he was on it all along) at around 0h30 so Jennie left with him. It certainly didn’t help me that this girl that I was really keen on already had a boyfriend; and she had one more or less continuously the time I’ve known her.

There was one last encounter I wanted to write about; sadly a print-out of a journal does not have a ‘Search’ function. It was the Spring of ‘92; Jennie and I were both at Abbott, but in different programs so our paths didn’t cross. Also, I suspected at the time that she may have been spending more time at Annie’s (or equivalent) than on campus; of course I knew nothing with certainty. Anyhow, I happened to be walking through one of the many fields of the Abbott campus when I saw her sitting on the ground amongst many others also seated, enjoying the warm weather. She seemed as happy to see me as I was to see her (very happy), we embraced in a warm hug and in short order I offered to drive her home if she wanted it. So I did. That was the last time that I spent with Jennie apart from scraps of moments over the years.

I attributed a compatibility matrix incompatibility as the reason why I never told her how I felt about her, but of course, it wasn’t just that - I wasn’t good at telling anyone anything personal. I also did not always see the best course of action to follow. We were highly compatible in terms of social interaction - we could verbally spar and have fun almost ceaselessly, however, she smoked, drank, and I think she did drugs of some kind, though I’m not certain; and I didn't do any of these. With respect to the compatibility matrix, there were more dissimilitudes than matches, so while I wanted to spend more time with her, I didn’t figure to want to spend time with her smoking or spend time with her drinking or doing drugs. Mobile technology would likely not have made a difference at the time; we were simply in two separate non-overlapping social circles. Of all of the episodes, that I will be posting, she is the one that lingered longest with me, even to posts in my blog that are more recent. Any post with the 'meekness' tag had something to do with her. After CEGEP we lost touch but she remained friends with my wife's brother and so to see if anything would develop (July, 2018) I obtained from my brother-in-law her mobile number, I waffled on using it but then did. Though it isn't easy to tell through text alone, it seemed to me that there wasn't a reciprocal interest in rekindling a friendship. I did not feel it was appropriate to push as I really came out of the blue, so this fizzled out soon after it started. I hadn’t really set any expectations about this reaching out, and so while I wasn’t upset it didn’t work out, I was (and continue to be) a little disheartened.



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